It may be the one I have not yet said. The realization of the ‘last time’ long after the fact that it is, brings a sense of sadness.

The last time you gave your kids a bath, the last time they called you mommy, the last time you cut their sandwich in a funny shape for their lunch, the last time they called out in the night when they were scared, the last time.

The last time you had to get a babysitter to go on a date, the last time you would go on a drive as a family of five, the last time you were just 2, then 3, then 4, the last time.

The last time I saw my dad. We were at the hospital because he was not feeling well. We sat in emerg for quite some time and when the doctor came in, he thought my dad had a thought infection and sent us home. The next day after my sister took him. To another hospital where they kept him, his heart stopped. I never got my good bye. The last time

Saying good bye to Roxi in December 2020 was made easier by the opportunity to be there to do it. I recall my last day with her. It may not have appeared that she knew I was there. Oxygen being pumped into her body, her eyes closed and her body still. I was by her bedside while her family was in the kitchen, exchanging stories, sharing laughter and feeling connected. I have no doubt it was because of them that Roxi looked and felt peace. I recall that day like yesterday being nervous about what to say what not to say. I let that go and just simply shared. I talked to her as if she was sitting across the table, staring at me wanting to hear more. I talked about interactions that we’ve had things that have made me giggle experiences that we have shared and my promises to continue enjoying life after she is gone. We knew it was goodbye, we knew it would be hard, but nothing was left unsaid. A last goodbye.

I may have had my final visit on the weekend with Kathleen. I did not know it may be my last and that makes me sad. I did share that I would have no regrets, I am grateful for the time that we had in her health and in her illness. I guess my only wonder is if she is OK if that was our last goodbye? Does she know I wished for more?

Good byes challenge you and each one different. Some you know are coming, some you wish for and some you never expected. I guess that’s why living your life between the dashes is so important.