The timing of this writing prompt is impeccable as I’m struggling right now with sorting this out.
I feel like I’ve always loved being around a variety of people and as of late I feel like my level of tolerance has significantly diminished. ‘It’s a me problem’ I shared with someone just yesterday. I don’t think it’s acceptable and I don’t know how to move past it, I don’t even know how or why I’m there.
If you put me in a room full of strangers, I think I would be able to find my way. I’d engage with all, seek connection with those I could and happily move along from those I could not. Who would I be drawn to? The ones speak freely, who throw out thought provoking ‘what if’s’ and own their individuality and share their own truth. The ones the make me question ‘What’s their story?’ instead of ‘What’s their motive?’ The struggle lies within knowing the difference without my own judgement.
Perhaps this is why I love ‘stranger’ connections like I do. I don’t have to go deeper with the why, I just show up as me and they as them and we simply connect at that level, period.
I do love deep, thought provoking conversations too but they come with my own set of rules. Do I trust you, are you safe to speak truth with, can I circle back and change my opinion throughout the conversation as I explore, rethink and uncover other possible ways of thinking? This is when my true authentic, vulnerable, flexible thinker, connection seeker shows up.
I also feel there is a lesson in everything. I usually can find joy within that, not always right away but eventually, with reflection. I’m drawn to people who can have that kind of reflection and seek joy too. When I sense otherwise, I wish to not partake but that is not always possible. In fact it’s in those times that I reflect the most, it’s challenging. I’m less motivated to show up and I get frustrated with myself for being so stuck.
Is it age, past experiences, is it them, is it me? I may never know the answer and will continue to try, accept, pivot, question why and try to be open to the possibility of more.
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